May 6th, 2009 Relieving Mothers day pressure

mothers day is coming i 'm constantly feel pressure to write or do something which causes unity or understanding yet i constantly feel failure. often my spontaneous spoken words are far more eloquent that this typing
ideas bounce around
like maybe rearranging words of pledge of allegience to teach oneness and the true dream
free the kingdom of Tibet. free the kingdom of Hawaii walk the freedom prayer of heaven on earth. brotherly love and laying down of weapons. lama's are divine motherly wisdom - take our prayers to the world peace stupa.
i feel need to do outward demonstration of love to Tibet - mother land
i feel need to do outward demonstration of love to Mother Earth
to Mother Maui.
as a girl who is symbolic i stand walk on mothersday a freedom walk
freedom to walk my prayer
freedom to share my prayer
i feel i'm letting so many down
i pray in this moment for strength b/c outward seems like i want attention but is just the opposite - make it about me - but it's about symbolic mothers on mother day sharing love but all i feel is detached and completely inepept at networking and catalyzing movement or adequately expressing the Liberty symbolism. gone are the days from years ago when the idea was to just enjoy the moment and go out and date and meet people and enjoy life - now my life is consumed with responisbility - not only work, community service, life survival, but these unending pressure to help affect the big picture seems beyond daunting especially without O ever responding and Greg immersed in husbandhood and fatherhood and no speaking to juliehood for years. he has water business i could do here but i don't want to call for a zillion reasons yet the more money i can make the more i can give to others so that they can get resources. right now - i can barely afford myself with little extra. selling water would be easy for me - but doing business with someone who seemingly will do business with anyone in the world except me doesn't sound promising. his videos say - call. they should have a disclaimer and say - unless you';re julie christine - then don't call.

i gave myself a bit of a black eye today at Naish;s house on accident. i was going to go to coffee house but then felt completely like i don't want to spend gas, would feel pressure to post something but didnt know what, and didn't want to spend money and turned around. i am never not thinking about big picture and feeling responisbility and failure constantly. gone are the days of just enjoying an evening - i'm always thinking about my job yet very aware that technically there is no Liberty or Higher Intelligence Agency of which i work. just me in my wide awake heart with a feeling of failure but perseverence pressure always. i'm not a normal single girl. i'm totally different than i used to be in charlottesville. then it was social and spiritual life importance. now i know myself spiritually and only feel pressure for political world shifting rather than having anysort of social life. there is no social me - just a very inept girl who talks too much when around others - or not enough and only feels totally comfortable when alone. i'm wasting time - just trying to movewords so that something will flow better later. i gotta get myself out of the way with all this pressure and simultaneous rejection feeling. watching greg talk on his videos brought it all back. empty desire and death of that desire. he wanted to kill it (marry another and make baby) now it is dead. truly. he is beyond perfect as usual but i feel cold and hurt and rejected and aware and understanding and a billion other things that equal the closest thing i've ever felt to life after death but detached from the life but not really dead feeling i've ever known. the universal responsibility grows the more the personal dream of love evaporates